I’m always having that battle with my life where I’m trying to win over my own emotions. . . There were moments when I thought I won. . . and I was wrong. Either way, I’ve become stronger.
Thanks to some people, I’ve become a bitch (Bo at first place, and I’m really thankful), thanks to the others (Eric♥) – I started believing in love again, just when I thought I was done with that, when I was giving up. If someone told me 2 months ago that I’m gonna feel what I feel for ET, I’d laugh straight in that person’s face. . . If somebody told me that I’ll be as happy as i am right now – I’d make my sarcastic face and probably say “Yeah, right!”. . .
Well, it’s not that everything is perfect in my relationship with Eric, but we’re on good way. . . I think that we respect each other cause we both know other side’s story, he knows what I’ve been thru and I know what he has been thru. . . So, yeah, I do respect him, like – a lot! He’s a good man and yet still a kid (age) who deserves the best things in his life aka - ME! lol
Anyways, that’s not the subject. . . The subject is my emotions. . . Lots of them!
I’m trying to learn how to control them so they wouldn’t control me.
- Bo – he woke up THE bitch in me, even tho I think he didn’t want to, I mean, he didn’t care. . . He just didn’t know me enough. He didn’t even try to get to know me. . . I guess he thought that I’m one of the hoes who wanted his money. . . Well, I wasn’t, I’m not and I won’t be. . . I loved him and I didn’t even know that. . . and I don’t even know when I realized I do. . . Gosh, how many times I cried just because I missed him, and I HAVE NO IDEA what did I miss. . . It’s that you don’t choose who you gonna love and who you gonna miss. Well, to be honest, I chose him. . .
It was middle of february of 2010, I knew I’m gonna meet him that day and I said to myself that I’m sick and tired of crying because of my ex, and it’s time to fall in love. I’m gonna be honest again, never thought I’m gonna fall for a black man, and he was the first black man I’ve met in my life. . . He was so handsome, with beautiful black eyes, he looked so innocent. . . Perfect guy to use to get over my ex. . . And yeah, he helped me, I don’t know how I’m ever gonna repay him lol, but I wanted a relationship, while he wanted sex. So that was it. . . I was hurt (this time by him), he was alright. . . Then he was gone. . . Went to other country. . . but we still had “normal” communication. . . We even had a deal that I’ll come over and I did, but. . . he was joking. . . !!! Actually, he was joking all the time, so I didn’t know when he was serious, when he wasnt. . . And no, I can’t blame him. I blame myself. For everything that happened in my life – it was only my fault. I let people do with my life whatever they wanted. . .
Anyways, he went to Italy, I stayed in Serbia. . . we were in contact almost every day on Facebook and Skype. . . we were typing about everything. . . Basketball, clubs, life, families. . . it made me fall in love even more cause i realized that you can actually have a normal convo with him, even tho he was always quiet here. . . Then suddenly, one night we were talking about my favourite team, and the next morning – I didn’t have him as a friend anymore. I, as a Scorpio, was too proud to send him any message, to ask him anything, why did he do that, what did i do, anything. . . We didn’t talk for 6 months. . . I thought I got over him. . . and I was wrong! Then I saw him during the summer when he came to my country for few days and we were standing face to face, but I didn’t say a word. Didn’t have what to say. . . Silence was telling more than words could. . . I wanted to scream, to beat the shit out of him, to cry. . . I hated and loved him at the same time. . . Everything came back, memories of the first meeting, his eyes, smile, and that feeling when i felt like a hoe cause I fucked him, but didn’t have a normal relationship with him. . . It was very emotional for me, I was screaming inside, wanted to hug him for who knows which reason, but no one would’ve seen any emotion except despise on my face.
He came back to my life, with friend request and message 2 months later. . . “We can still be friends, I don’t wanna be mean to people anymore..”. . . It was tough decision, but I let him come back into my life once again, again without saying any word. And it lasted 2 months. . . We didn’t talk too much at all. . . about my team, his team, and that’s it. . . I spent NYE at home, crying cause I missed something I didn’t have. . .He didn’t even answer on my New Years msg, and that’s when I decided to not to give a shit anymore. And I didn’t. . . and I don’t. First time after almost 2 years, I had that feeling of freedom. . . Guess he never cared if I have another guy or I don’t. . .but I did. . . I tried, it’s not that i didn’t. . . And every time I would kiss another guy, I would think about Bo. . . and I would have tears in my eyes. . . I felt like i can’t breathe without him. . . Suddenly, I stopped believing in love, emotions, everything. . . and then – I met Eric . . .
- Eric – We met on 8th of January 2012. in his room lol. He’s a student in my town. Anyways, I went to dorm cause my friend wanted to do my hair, and we went to Eric’s room to take some rubbers if he has. . . And I started talking with him like i knew him whole my life. . . lol he looked at me like “WTF this fool wants?!”. . . Few minutes later, he came to Jay’s room and we kept convo going. . . We were talking about random things. . . I found out that he liked my used-to-be-friend Sonja, so I was making jokes about him. . . so anyways, time passed by very fast. . . I added him on fb and we started talking every day, whole day. . . I wasn’t trying to replace Sonja, didn’t even think about being in a relationship with him, cause I thought I gave up. . . Late nights chatting and convo became normal, we met in the city few times, and he invited me to sleep at dorm. . . and so I did. . . It was 21.01.2012. when we kissed first time. . . we slept in the same bad, but nothing happened cause he didn’t want it to happen. . . Next day, we were acting like nothing happened at all, like we didn’t even kiss. . . and we stayed friends. . . not for too long. . . we kept seeing each other, but no one knew about that. . . I loved spending my time with him. . . I still do!
Finally, we became an official couple in the start of february. . . We had a lot of fun, time for our friends, time for ourselves. . . We shared our secrets one with another, and we promised we gonna keep it true. . . Thanks to him – I’m loved again. . . Tomorrow is 2 months that we’re together and we feel like we’re together for much more. . . We know each other. . . ♥
Still, sometimes I think like I’m pushing him too much and I don’t want to do that. . . so I admit, I am strange sometimes, but it’s just because I don’t want him to get bored. . .
Now, it’s almost 2am, I gotta go to sleep. . . I’ll find time to write something new here, or to share something I learn. . . so, ttyl :)